54 M a r r i a g e

r e p o r t e d t h a t ” f e m a l e s r a t e d i n t e l l i g e n c e , s t a b i l i t y , c o n s c i e n t i o u s n e s s, h e i g h t ,

e d u c a t i o n , social s k i l l s , a n d p o l i t i c a l / r e l i g i o u s c o m p a t i b i l i t y s i g n i f i c a n t l y higher

t h a n males, w h e r e a s males r a t e d g o o d l o o k s h i g h e r t h a n f e m a l e s ” (262).

Wenzel a n d E m e r s o n (2009, 341) r e p o r t t h a t socially a n x i o u s i n d i v i d u a l s

believe o t h e r s are less l i k e l y t o select t h e m w h e n c o m p a r e d t o s o c i a l l y n o n –

a n x i o u s i n d i v i d u a l s . M c G e e a n d S h e v i n (2009, 67) f o u n d t h a t persons w i t h

a g o o d sense o f h u m o r are perceive d as m o r e a t t r a c t i v e as p o t e n t i a l mates.

M o n t o y a (2008, 1315) i n d i c a t e s t h a t ” a t t r a c t i v e perceivers e x p e c t e d t o date

m o r e a t t r a c t i v e t a r g e t s w h i l e u n a t t r a c t i v e perceivers e x p e c t e d t o d a t e less at-

t r a c t i v e t a r g e t s . ”

A Christian Perspective on Mate Selection

T a k e n t o g e t h e r , t h e v a r i o u s s o c i o l o g i c a l t h e o r i e s o f m a t e s e l e c t i o n c o m p o r t

w e l l w i t h t h e t h e o l o g i c a l m o d e l o f f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s h i p s t h a t w e presented i n

chapter 1 . T h i s w i l l becom e clear as w e describe w h a t m a t e s e l e c t i o n w o u l d

be l i k e i f i t d e v e l o p e d a c c o r d i n g t o t h e p r i n c i p l e s suggested i n o u r t h e o l o g i c a l

m o d e l : c o m m i t m e n t , grace, e m p o w e r m e n t , a n d i n t i m a c y .

A t the b e g i n n i n g o f c o u r t s h i p , t h e r e is a m i n i m a l degree o f c o m m i t m e n t

b e t w e e n t h e p a r t n e r s . W i t h a n i n c r e a s e d degree o f c o m m i t m e n t comes a n

increased sense o f t r u s t a n d security. A n d as m u t u a l c o m m i t m e n t increases,

grace can be e x p e c t e d t o g r o w p r o p o r t i o n a t e l y Grace is e x p e r i e n c e d t h r o u g h

acceptance a n d a p p r e c i a t i o n by t h e p a r t n e r . T h e presence o f grace p r o m o t e s

a f e e l i n g o f s e c u r i t y because d i f f e r e n c e s are respected a n d because there is an

a t m o s p h e r e o f forgiveness w h e n e v e r f a i l u r e occurs. T h e p a r t n e r s are valued

a n d accepted f o r w h o t h e y are a n d n o t f o r w h a t they m i g h t be o r d o f o r the

o t h e r .

O u t o f grace emerges a m u t u a l e m p o w e r m e n t process. I n t h e early stages

o f c o u r t s h i p , t h e c o u p l e may o p e r a t e o n a q u i d p r o q u o basis ( s o m e t h i n g f o r

s o m e t h i n g ) , w i t h each a t t e m p t i n g t o have p e r s o n a l needs m e t t h r o u g h the

r e l a t i o n s h i p . W h e r e t h e r e is a m i n i m a l degree o f c o m m i t m e n t a n d accep-

tance, p a r t n e r s are l i k e l y t o t h i n k m o r e i n t e r m s o f w h a t t h e y c a n get f r o m

a r e l a t i o n s h i p r a t h e r t h a n w h a t t h e y c a n c o n t r i b u t e t o i t . T h e e m p o w e r m e n t

m o d e l is h o p e f u l i n t h a t i t shows t h a t love c a n be elevated above self-centered

exchange. A d e p t h o f c o m m i t m e n t a n d grace can i m b u e e a c h p a r t n e r w i t h

a genuine desire t o e m p o w e r by b o t h g i v i n g t o a n d r e c e i v i n g f r o m the other.

T h i s involves b e i n g interested i n t h e g r o w t h o f the o t h e r p e r s o n a n d f i n d i n g

ways t o e n c o u r a g e t h e p a r t n e r t o r e a c h h i s o r her greatest p o t e n t i a l a n d thus

t o be a l l t h a t G o d created h i m o r h e r t o b e .

M.ik- S e l e c t i o n a n d C o h a b i r a t i o n 55

Some c o u r t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p s are n o t e m p o w e r i n g b u t r a t h e r are based o n

i n i i i i i a l d e p e n d e n c y W h e n c o u p l e s are overly d e p e n d e n t o n each other, t h e y

u i u l t o d e m a n d t h a t the p a r t n e r m e e t t h e i r every n e e d . T h e y f a i l t o d e v e l op

i l u i r o w n resources as they l o o k t o each o t h e r t o m e e t a l l t h e i r needs. T h e

I ‘ x p c c t a t i o n s a n d d i s a p p o i n t m e n t s are e x t r e me w h e n p a r t n e r s focus solely o n

each o t h e r . T h e t e n d e n c y t h e n is t o be possessive a n d d e m a n d i n g r a t h e r t h a n

c i i i p o w e r i n g . Such a desperate n e e d f o r the o t h e r p u t s g r e a t pressure o n t h e

i c l . i i i o n s h i p a n d o f t e n results i n t u r m o i l , jealousy, a n d c h a o s .

( : o d e p e n d e n c y is the exact o p p o s i t e o f d i f f e r e n t i a t i o n as n o t e d i n t r i n i t a r –

i.ui t h e o l o g y , w h e r e distinctiveness a n d u n i t y are i n t e r m i n g l e d . D i f f e r e n t i a t e d 11.1 r i n e t s are r e s p o n s i b l e t o G o d f o r t h e i r lives a n d t h e r e f o r e b r i n g u n i q u e g i f t s I I 1 1 he c o u p l e r e l a t i o n s h i p . T h e y act i n t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p o u t o f s t r e n g t h r a t h e r ill.111 d e f i c i t . T h e y are able t o ask f o r w h a t they w o u l d l i k e w i t h o u t d e m a n d – i n g the p a r t n e r p r o v i d e i t . B e i n g c e n t e r e d i n C h r i s t gives t h e m confidence t h a t

( K K ! is t h e best resource t o g u i d e , e m p o w e r , n u r t u r e , i n s p i r e , a n d soothe. T h e y

l i i o k to G o d f o r p e r s o n a l g r o w t h b u t also o p e n l y share a n d o f f e r themselves

lo t . i c h o t h e r i n t h a t process. W h e n spouses c l i n g t o each o t h e r f o r dear l i f e

III a r a g i n g r i v e r , t h e y p e r p e t u a t e a n e n a b l i n g system i n w h i c h t h e y b o t h are likely t o d r o w n together. B u t w h e n s u f f i c i e n t l y d i f f e r e n t i a t e d , t h e y are a s t r o n g

resource f o r each o t h e r so t h a t w h e n o n e is s t r u g g l i n g , t h e p a r t n e r is s t a n d i n g

cm s o l i d g r o u n d t o e x t e n d a h e l p i n g h a n d .

I’.cclesiastes 4 : 9 – 1 2 refers t o t h i s idea t h a t t w o s u f f i c i e n t persons are b e t –

i n i j i a n o n e a l o n e . Because t h e y b r i n g t h e i r u n i q u e s t r e n g t h s t o the u n i o n ,

i l i i y can be t h e r e f o r each o t h e r r a t h e r t h a n be d r a g g e d d o w n i n a n o v e r l y

dependent r e l a t i o n s h i p . ” T w o are b e t t e r t h a n o n e , because t h e y have a g o o d

icvv.ird f o r t h e i r t o i l . For i f they f a l l , o n e w i l l l i f t u p t h e o t h e r ; b u t woe t o o n e

w h o is a l o n e a n d falls a n d does n o t have a n o t h e r t o h e l p . A g a i n , i f t w o l i e

l(| ‘̂,l•ther, t h e y keep w a r m ; b u t h o w c a n one keep w a r m alone? A n d t h o u g h

(ine m i g h t p r e v a i l against a n o t h e r , t w o w i l l w i t h s t a n d o n e . A t h r e e f o l d c o r d I N not q u i c k l y b r o k e n . ” B e i n g u n i t e d i n u n i q u e strengths a n d m a k i n g G o d t h e

c r n t e r o f t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p (a t h r e e f o l d c o r d ) presents a w o n d e r f u l i m a g e o f

i n . i r i t a l p a r t n e r s h i p a n d u n i o n .

We l i v e i n a s o c i e t y t h a t e n c o u r a g e s p e o p l e t o t h i n k t h a t t h e y can have

i n s i . i n t g r a t i f i c a t i o n . T h i s m e n t a l i t y c a r r i e s over i n t o t h e d a t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p ,

v\I re p e o p l e l o o k f o r i n s t a n t s e x u a l i n t i m a c y . T h e p r e v a l e n c e o f a n i n s t a n t

x c x i i a l g r a t i f i c a t i o n e t h i c has r e s u l t e d i n t h e e m e r g e n c e o f t h e c o n c e p t o f

” h o o k i n g u p , ” d e f i n e d as i n t i m a t e p h y s i c a l b e h a v i o r o u t s i d e o f a c o m m i t –

i i i l r e l a t i o n s h i p . H o o k i n g u p seems t o be less a b o u t d a t i n g i n o r d e r t o g e t

ii> k n o w t h e o t h e r a n d m o r e a b o u t s e x u a l f u l f i l l m e n t . Research o n h o o k i n g

np . i i n o i i g c o l l e g e s t u d e n t s r e p o r t s t h a t i t can r e s u l t i n b o t h p o s i t i v e a n d

 

 

56 M a r r i a g e

n e g a t i v e experiences, ” w i t h w o m e n b e i n g m o r e l i k e l y t o r e p o r t i t as a n e g a –

t i v e e x p e r i e n c e t h a n m e n ” ( O w e n a n d F i n c h a m 2 0 1 1 ) . N e g a t i v e e m o t i o n a l

r e a c t i o n s w e r e r e l a t e d t o ” r e p o r t s o f depressive s y m p t o m s a n d f e e l i n g s o f

l o n e l i n e s s , ” w h i l e p o s i t i v e e m o t i o n a l r e l a t i o n s h a d t o d o w i t h h o p e f o r t h e

p o s s i b i l i t y o f a c o m m i t t e d r e l a t i o n s h i p (321). T h i s f i n d i n g seems t o p o i n t o u t

t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f the b i b l i c a l w i s d o m t h a t s e x u a l i n v o l v e m e n t is best w h e n

p a r t o f a c o m m i t t e d r e l a t i o n s h i p .

I n o u r t h e o l o g i c a l m o d e l , i n t i m a c y e n t a i l s a d e e p level o f k n o w i n g a n d

b e i n g k n o w n t h r o u g h u n d e r s t a n d i n g , l i s t e n i n g , c a r i n g , a n d s h a r i n g . I t is n o t

s i m p l y a p h y s i c a l o r s e x u a l e n c o u n t e r b u t a d e e p l y f e l t process o f b e c o m i n g

k n o w n . A c c o r d i n g l y , i n t i m a c y b u i l d s o n c o m m i t m e n t , grace, a n d e m p o w –

e r m e n t . U s i n g these f o u n d a t i o n a l b i b l i c a l c o n c e p t s , p e o p l e w h o t r u s t t h e

c o m m i t m e n t , w h o e x p e r i e n c e acceptance a n d f o r g i v e n e s s d u r i n g c o u r t s h i p ,

a n d w h o f i n d t h e i r p a r t n e r i n t e r e s t e d i n a n d a c t i v e l y a f f i r m i n g e m p o w e r m e n t

d u r i n g t h e c o u r t i n g p r o c e s s w i l l feel safe e n o u g h t o be m o r e h o n e s t a n d

r e v e a l i n g . T h e y are w i l l i n g t o t a k e o f f t h e i r m a s k s a n d resist t h e t e m p t a –

t i o n t o p u t o n pretenses. T h e y share w i t h a d e s i r e t r u l y t o k n o w each o t h e r .

T h e c o u p l e is m o r e i n t e r e s t e d i n a r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h t h e o t h e r p e r s o n t h a n

i n t h e m e r e pleasure t h a t p e r s o n can give i n a s u p e r f i c i a l sexual e n c o u n t e r .