A satirical paper about how the NCAA is an awful organization.

I need a five-page satirical paper about the NCAA and how they use student-athletes for insane monetary gain. Use verbal irony and sarcasm to make it funny and witty. I also need you to use non-rational persuasion techniques such as Argumentum ad populum, ad misericordium, ad baculum or ad se rem.  It needs to have some research including 3 good sources and cited in MLA format. Talk about how the NCAA exploits student-athletes.